Apple Reinvents the toilet with iToilet

Apple today introduced the long rumoured iToilet, combining two products, a revolutionary toilet, and an internet communications device.
Tim Cook showcased the device today in San Francisco, and the attending audience were transfixed as Tim demonstrated the magnificence of the iToliet live. Tim even pooped live on stage, trying to emphasise to the engrossed audience just how innovative this device is.

Apple have long had a yearning to bring a certain amount of excitement to excretion, and they may finally have developed the immaculate device.
Sophistication of this magnitude has never been seen in a toilet before; Apple are hoping this is their next breakthrough product.
Apple have said the iToilet is invented to enhance our experience of pooping. Apple believe current toilets are cumbersome, and inelegant and consequently make pooping a detestable experience.
They’re intending to make pooping a gratifying, enjoyable experience and believe this is just the device to make that possible.

The iToliet exemplifies everything Apple are about: Making a device you currently are repelled by, and turning it into something that you are enchanted with.
Some people again will accuse Apple of imitation but never before have we seen a toilet with such elegance, comfort and sophistication.
As usual Apple have one again created a frenzy with a product introduction, and many people have expressed their enthusiasm for this device.

Pat Baker enthused about the device: “This is everything I’ve ever wanted, I’ve kind of been embarrassed to suggest to companies to invent such a product, but I’ve been repelled by current toilets for years. They make the experience of pooping such a predicament.”

John Adams expressed his delight at the introduction: “The toilet industry was ripe for an innovation like this, most toilets today are mundane and lack excitement. Apple have made toilets enticing and I look forward to excreting in the iToilet immensely.”

After the event we spoke to Apple’s head of design Jonathan Ive, he shared some intriguing insight with us:

Jony Ive senior industrial designer said: “You can imagine the tremendous difficulty designing a device like this, we had to closely inspect, have an obsessiveness to every detail, and make sure the comfortableness of the device was impeccable.

“A big part of the experience of a physical object has to do with the materials, we of course wanted the toilet to be extremely intuitive, but we also wanted an elegance and make the device approachable. So when you look at the toilet you’re totally mesmerised by it and just have a strong desire to poop. We believe we’ve accomplished this.”

“We were very diligent when it came to the intrusion of the poop into the toilet. We thought extensively about this and we came up with an innovative process. When the poop enters the toilet it transforms into an innocuous material, one that won’t disgust you. We then came up with an intelligent way of expunging that horrible smell from the waste, when the poop enters the toilet, the odours are automatically eradicated by a process we call “operation transformation” We then transform this intolerable odour into a fragrant substance.
It’s magical and revolutionary.”

“Probably the most innovative thing in the device is its iPoop camera. Every time you defecate, iToilet automatically snaps a photo of your waste and sends it off to a research facility. This will have profound effect on the research of poop.
Our device also has an intelligent sensor that analyses the size, shape and texture of your poop. If your poop is healthy a green light will flash on your armrest. If it’s unhealthy a red light will flash, and will automatically provide you with suggestions on how to ameliorate your poop.
iToilets built-in proximity sensor detects when you poop into the toilet and immediately prompts a sheet of glass to slide out to prevent annoying splashes from occurring.
This once again shows our care, our obsessive attention to detail.
We vehemently believe this device will change toilets forever, and this is just the beginning.”

The iToilet is set to go on sale in early April, and Apple expect a high demand for this device. They’ve said they expect this device to surpass the iPhone as their best selling device.
Apple’s stock also rose at an exponential rate this evening shortly after the news.
Stock Analyst Mark Badam said: “This is the really the first breakthrough device Apple have announced since Steve’s passing. Evidently the announcement has encouraged investors, and they believe this cements Apple’s position as the most innovative company in the world. Apple have dispelled the pessimism surrounding their future with this new product and subsequently their Stock has ascended.”

That concludes our coverage of this announcement, it will be interesting to see just how successful this device is. One thing is for certain: Apple have changed toilets forever.

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Humanised Asteroid kills Thousands!

In what astronomers have described as an “exceedingly rare event”, a man believed to be banished to space by the American government has collided with Earth causing mass casualties.
According to political insiders, a man by the name of “Martin Byrne” was banished to space by the American government in an attempt to protect the human population.
The insiders also stated Mr Byrne was indescribably enormous, which consequently led to his banishment to space.
But if the insiders are to be trusted; it appears the banishment has been counterproductive.

At about 12PM today, a massive object plummeted into the centre of Manhattan causing irreparable damage.
This led to endless speculation by the media that it was an act of terrorism, considering Nasa denied the existence of any destructive asteroids within Earth’s vicinity.
The Whitehouse initially denied any knowledge of this alleged humanised asteroid.
Press Secretary Jay Carney said “You can be assured that the Obama administration is doing everything in its power to find the culprit behind this abominable act.”
“There is in inordinate amount of speculation surrounding this event and we implore the media to refrain from baseless speculation”

But in an astonishing twist, pictures started to surface of the humanised asteroid. Survivors from the catastrophe got extraordinary pictures of the asteroid, which showed human eyes, nose & mouth all present on the asteroid. Some were at first dismissive of the images claiming they had been fabricated to diminish the credibility of the American government.
But unbelievably, Nasa representatives and image manipulation experts have confirmed the validity of the images.
John Poopey a photo manipulation expert said: “You can clearly see the human features embedded into the asteroid, it would have been impossible for even the most talented photo manipulator to create such a realistic looking human asteroid”
Mike Hawk of Nasa said: “We have looked at some of our Satellite imagery and we can confirm that it was indeed a humanised asteroid that plummeted into Manhattan. What’s bewildered us is how this humanised asteroid went undetected for months which leads us to conclude that the American government developed some sort of stealth technology to conceal its existence”

Understanding this humanised asteroid is also important: Chew Kok a Chinese psychologist concluded that the banishment of this man to space probably provoked an excessive amount of fury.
Mr Kok said “When you banish a human from Earth, and isolate them, it’s inevitable that there’s going to be a raging reaction.”
Relatives of the victims were outraged and condemned Mr Kok for his words saying there is no justification for such repugnant actions, and that glorifying this humanised asteroid may lead to copycat incidents.

Since the event, old friends of Mr Byrne were shocked and saddened at what has unfolded.
Mr Hamill the CEO of the most successful tech company in the world said: “Martin often showed impatience, and could sometimes react in a hostile way. The act committed certainly was abhorrent but isolating a human like that is going to have devastating consequences. I believe Mr Obama should be impeached for transforming him into a humanised asteroid.”
Mr Gouws a long time friend of Mr Byrne shared Mr Hamill’s views. “Martin was never a violent person, he would always refrain from violence, and had an intolerance for revenge. Clearly, the banishment provoked him and subsequently led to his vindictiveness.”

The Whitehouse has made a revised statement since the uncovering of the images: Mr Obama said: “First, I want to send my condolences to the victims of today’s horrific incident.
The suffering they will have to endure is distressing. As Commander in Chief I have an obligation to tell the American people the truth. It may not be pleasant but I believe you’re entitled to know.
6 months ago my security chief briefed me on a possible lead on the worlds fattest man; we then conducted a mission that captured Martin Byrne. We discussed for weeks the best course of action to make sure this man wasn’t a threat to American safety. We considered banishing him to Canada, but we worried about the implications that may have had on our country.
So I ordered my head scientists to transform him into an asteroid and banish him to outer space. At the time, it seemed like the only rational option I had.
Evidently, I made a mistake, and now I must live with the regret for the rest of my life. I can inform the American public that there will be an extensive investigation on how this humanised asteroid could unleash himself onto Manhattan.
Lastly, I want to say this tragedy will make us stronger, we will once again show our enormous resilience and courage to the world, we will rebuild our great city, we will be united in our resolve and we will recover. God Bless the United States of America.

Newly appointed president of fat people Mike Litoris weighed in on the tragedy: “We think it’s repulsive what the American government have done, to banish someone to space purely based on their weight is derogatory and demeaning to fatties. Sure we may pose a threat to human safety, and we may steal excessive amounts of fast food, but we have no intentions to eat you.
This may sound shocking to people but obese people do in fact have a code of ethics. We may steal your food, but we will always love you.

Unbelievably thousands have come to the defence of the president, saying his intentions were good and that he cannot be held accountable for a repugnant act.
They have even praised Obama for his attempt to banish Mr Byrne from Earth. Sally Magina said “President Obama did a courageous thing, he attempted to rid the world from a hazardous person.
Too many people are afraid to state their views of fatties, in fear of being branded a “fattist” but these people pose a threat to our planet and our existence. Mr Obama’s plan may have failed, and had devastating consequences but it’s imperative to human existence that all McDonalds obsessed humans and burrito addicted trash are expunged from society.”

Well that concludes our coverage on this phenomenal event, if there’s anything we can learn from today, it’s that people really do need new surnames.

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Fat Man destroys Christmas – Update: Courageous Fat Man Kills the Devil

A few months back we reported on the disaster that is Martin Byrne. The world’s fattest man was causing terror upon society by being so unbelievably fat.

Well, today we woke up to the news that this man has inflicted more terror not only upon his own country, but worldwide.
People are usually very cheerful and happy in December but unfortunately Mr Byrne has ruined the spirit of Christmas.
Mr Byrne has squashed the North Pole with his extreme weight; all its inhabitants are dead including Santa, Rudolph and his elfs.
Mr Byrne intentions are not yet fully known but a former friend has shed some light on the events.
Mr Hamill a 22 year old software genius was quoted as saying: “Mr Byrne (an avid follower of Jesus) has long believed Santa Claus to be a distraction at Christmas, a creature developed by Satan to take attention away from Jesus. Mr Byrne also believes presents and toys are toxic to children. He claims such items promote feelings such as greed, pride and jealousy.”

The President of the United States, Barack Obama said: “This is a horrific day, Santa Claus was an honourable man, who provided joy and happiness to children each Christmas.
His astonishing ability to supply gifts to each and every kid each Christmas will never be forgotten. The perpetrator of this crime has committed a heinous act.
Santa Claus united the whole world each December. Due to the abdominal act Mr Byrne has carried out there will be consequences for him; he will banned from eating any pleasurable foods for the rest of his life, including fast food & burritos”

The president of fat people said this evening: “We condemn Mr Byrne’s actions, and we want to confirm that Mr Byrne was acting alone. It’s only natural for people to assume Mr Byrne had the support of fellow fatties, but we wanted to assure the people we’ve always been Santa fans, especially considering the amount of free chocolate he’s given us. Fat people have always had a strong relationship with Santa, and we’re as disappointed as anyone else that this legendary man has been taken from us.”

Update: Mr Byrne’s statement has now been released:

“First I want you to keep an open mind. You have to understand this was a necessary act, I was acting on the behalf of Jesus & God.
Santa is viewed as this wonderful, joyful man, but behind that Red suit, and cuddly looking beard is a man acting under Satan’s instructions. You see, Satan created the image of Santa to take attention away from Jesus and his birth, and he has succeeded. The evidence is conclusive. I hope my act unites Christians and reminds people of what’s important this Christmas. Not toys or food (although I do like the Turkey) but our absolute love for Jesus!
We can distress the devil this Christmas by showcasing our love for Jesus.”

Update: World reacts to Mr Byrne’s statement:

All across the world people have been reacting to the incredible news. Unbelievably many have changed their original views, and 90% of America are now in favour or Mr Byrne’s actions:

One Christian man said – “This morning upon the hearing the news i was saddened and devastated, but after hearing Mr Byrne’s statement i decided to research the topic and was shocked to find the many similarities between Santa and Satan. Mr Byrne truly is a loyal follower of the lord, he will go down in history as the courageous man who beat Santa.”

One child said: Although I’m saddened i won’t be receiving a new iPad mini this year I thank Mr Byrne for opening my eyes, all these years I’ve been blindly following the cult of atheism, gleefully disrespecting God, convincing myself he doesn’t exist. Mr Byrne has shown me the light.

Prof. Richard Dawkins said: “Fuck off, all my years of promoting reason and rationale and now this fat bastard ruins my reputation. Fuck Jesus & Fuck God.”

Update: Revised statement from the President of the United States, Barack Obama:

“It’s with deep regret that I inform the American people tonight that Santa Claus was indeed a pawn of Satan, I feel shameful for promoting Santa Claus, and introducing him to my children. I’m comforted by the bravery and courage shown by Mr Byrne, an avid follower of our saviour. We were wrong to condemn his actions. Mr Byrne really did have our best interests at heart. I also wanted to assure Mr Byrne that for his services to Jesus, and our world, we will be supplying him with an unlimited amount of free Fast Food & burritos.
Mr Byrne is a very brave man for taking on the devil, and I hope you join me this evening in thanking him for his courageous act. God bless Mr Byrne.”

BREAKING: Devil defeated, it’s with extreme delight I inform our readers that the devil has been defeated. New evidence has emerged that the devil himself was actually in the humanised form of Santa. Mr Byrne will be remembered for centuries as the courageous man who defeated the Devil.

Well that concludes our coverage on this phenomenal story. Mr Byrne may be the worlds fattest man, but he has put his fatness to possibly the best use of all: Killing the devil.
We want to personally apologise for being offensive (earlier in the day) towards this exceptional man. Lord have mercy on our souls.

The devil is dead! Rejoice!

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BREAKING: Fat man breaks road

For Martin Byrne Monday morning was just another day, the usual commute into central Dublin, the constant cursing at fellow drivers, the daydreaming of cute boys all over the city.

He awoke and prepared himself for the day ahead, had his breakfast and off he went into his car, and then bang! The combination of his terrible weight and the weight of car caused the road to break, the road collapsed with a stunning sound, that awoke all of the neighbourhood.  Mr Byrne was bewildered at the incident which didn’t surprise any of his close friends, one of his close friends Mr Hamill was quoted as saying, “Marty always tried to delude himself, he was a friend of God’s and was well aware obese people weren’t allowed into heaven so he tried to convince himself he was thin, but inevitably we knew something like this would happen, a 50 Stone man is set for a car crash.”

The local council are considering taking legal action against Mr Bynre, not only for the damage done but the physiological effect it had on the children in the area, a 5 year old girl collapsed when seeing how fat he was. Indeed Mr Byrne is set for a torrid few months, and most likely is facing prison, and let’s face it, prison for a fat man like himself is practically the death sentence.

This acts as a lesson to us all, Mr Byrne’s incident caused national debate all over America with President Obama calling for execution of fat people. Mr Obama was quoted as saying “Fat people simply are a danger to society, they eat too much and once you go fat you can’t go back, so today we’re calling for the execution of people over the weight of 30 stone”

Mr Byrne may be an embarrassment to his family, friends and peers but one things for certain, a fat middle aged man from Balbriggan has changed our view of fat people forever.

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